Matt Robbins
12-7-11
Hansel & Gretel Get Stoned
Once upon a time there were two siblings who lived with their father and their bitchy step mom. The mother died when they were both young. Their dad was a spineless woodcutter who loved the one thing he had his children. He remarried and this women wanted to get rid of the kids who were in there teens. She was so mean and nasty much like a witch, and almost appeared to control her husband by using a secret spell. The kids thought why else would anyone marry that monster. There was good reason for this and it was Hansel and Gretel were huge stoners. That’s all they did and there was not enough money to go around. So the step mother ordered the father to ditch them in the forest and never worry about them again.
Hansel overheard the stepmother say this and came prepared; he brought little white pebbles that would allow him and Gretel to get home. Their father brought them out into the forest and the white pebbles shined in the moonlight. Hansel and Gretel followed the pebbles home and crept back into bed. Thinking they were smart they smoked all night long. When the stepmother found out she was outraged. She ordered the father to take them out again. This time Hansel had just enough time to grab a piece of bread and try to use it to find their back. Only problem was Gretel had a huge case of the munchies and found whatever she could to eat. Gretel ate all of the bread crumbs and Hansel and Gretel were lost without a clue how to get home. After a few days and smoking as weed the entire time with no food they had no idea how to get out of the forest. At this point Hansel had given up all hope, but he couldn’t let Gretel know that. Gretel asked “Do you have any idea how to get home anything is better than being in the cold forest night after night, I cannot take it anymore.”
Hansel had to admit it now “I do not know where we are or how to get home, but we have to find a place to stay.”
They stumbled upon a cottage in the middle of the forest and they could have sworn it was made out of candy. So they ran up to it and started to take bites out of whatever they could see. Hansel ran over to the lollipop windows and Gretel ran to the licorice fire place. Gretel said “either this is the worst tasting licorice ever it’s not licorice it at all.”
Hansel looked up and replied “Please tell me I am not licking a house.”
Nothing could get that taste out of either of their mouths, but they had to try something to get the taste out of their mouth. They wandered around the house on a mission to find food. Hansel and Gretel walked into the room and nothing compared them for what they were about to see. You hear Gretel say “Dad what are you doing?”
The woodsman jumps and the look of horror on his face you thought he might have had a heart attack. They walked in on their father having sex with a random woman in the forest who was very sexy. Hansel doesn’t know what to say he is in shock “so he says way to go dad, do you see that girl.”
They were both ordered to get out, so they waited in the kitchen until their father and the mysterious woman walked out of the back room. Hansel said “you have a lot of explaining to do.”
The woman replied “First of all my name is Lucinda and I am trying to help your dad get away from that witch you guys call a stepmom.”
Gretel said that “well if you are trying to help him and us what were you doing in the back room”
They did not have a good answer for that but they had come up with a plan and steal the gold that she had been hiding. They could all live happily ever after if it all worked out. They decided to somehow light her on fire. When they all went to the house the next day they lit the fireplace and candles whatever they could find. When the witch got home everyone was hiding except for Hansel who had stupidly gone into the kitchen to go smoke. He used the oven to light it and then left the door open. The witch got home he smelled the smoke and ran to the kitchen. The Witch screamed “What are you doing here?”
Hansel panicked and tried to run, but he was caught by the witch. Gretel sees what is happening, so she runs up and shoves the witch into the oven. She yells for her father and Lucinda to come in and help lock the door so they all sit in front of the oven door.
The witch was finally dead and Hansel and Gretel could live at home where they belong. They ended up finding the gold of the witch and they never had to go a day without food again. Hansel and Gretel’s father never had to work again and Lucinda and he got married. They all lived happily ever after.

Matt Robbins
English 103
12-07-11
Fairytale Review
The assignment that I had to most fun writing was the fairytale. It was the most fun to write because I was able to make a regular fairytale like Hansel & Gretel and make it into something that was completely my own. The purpose of writing it was to open us up to make something that we know is a certain way into something that is completely different. What is more different from a fairytale than a gross out comedy. It was difficult at first trying to figure out what to do so that I could actually make it what I saw in my head. I put a lot of time to watch some gross out comedies so I could write it and I am happy with what I came out with. I thought the paper deserved an A because it was well thought out and I stuck to the main idea of of a gross out comedy and it was pretty good.

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