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Matt Robbins
12-7-11
Hansel & Gretel Get Stoned
Once upon a time there were two siblings who lived with their father and their bitchy step mom. The mother died when they were both young. Their dad was a spineless woodcutter who loved the one thing he had his children. He remarried and this women wanted to get rid of the kids who were in there teens. She was so mean and nasty much like a witch, and almost appeared to control her husband by using a secret spell. The kids thought why else would anyone marry that monster. There was good reason for this and it was Hansel and Gretel were huge stoners. That’s all they did and there was not enough money to go around. So the step mother ordered the father to ditch them in the forest and never worry about them again.
Hansel overheard the stepmother say this and came prepared; he brought little white pebbles that would allow him and Gretel to get home. Their father brought them out into the forest and the white pebbles shined in the moonlight. Hansel and Gretel followed the pebbles home and crept back into bed. Thinking they were smart they smoked all night long. When the stepmother found out she was outraged. She ordered the father to take them out again. This time Hansel had just enough time to grab a piece of bread and try to use it to find their back. Only problem was Gretel had a huge case of the munchies and found whatever she could to eat. Gretel ate all of the bread crumbs and Hansel and Gretel were lost without a clue how to get home. After a few days and smoking as weed the entire time with no food they had no idea how to get out of the forest. At this point Hansel had given up all hope, but he couldn’t let Gretel know that. Gretel asked “Do you have any idea how to get home anything is better than being in the cold forest night after night, I cannot take it anymore.”
Hansel had to admit it now “I do not know where we are or how to get home, but we have to find a place to stay.”
They stumbled upon a cottage in the middle of the forest and they could have sworn it was made out of candy. So they ran up to it and started to take bites out of whatever they could see. Hansel ran over to the lollipop windows and Gretel ran to the licorice fire place. Gretel said “either this is the worst tasting licorice ever it’s not licorice it at all.”
Hansel looked up and replied “Please tell me I am not licking a house.”
Nothing could get that taste out of either of their mouths, but they had to try something to get the taste out of their mouth. They wandered around the house on a mission to find food. Hansel and Gretel walked into the room and nothing compared them for what they were about to see. You hear Gretel say “Dad what are you doing?”
The woodsman jumps and the look of horror on his face you thought he might have had a heart attack. They walked in on their father having sex with a random woman in the forest who was very sexy. Hansel doesn’t know what to say he is in shock “so he says way to go dad, do you see that girl.”
They were both ordered to get out, so they waited in the kitchen until their father and the mysterious woman walked out of the back room. Hansel said “you have a lot of explaining to do.”
The woman replied “First of all my name is Lucinda and I am trying to help your dad get away from that witch you guys call a stepmom.”
Gretel said that “well if you are trying to help him and us what were you doing in the back room”
They did not have a good answer for that but they had come up with a plan and steal the gold that she had been hiding. They could all live happily ever after if it all worked out. They decided to somehow light her on fire. When they all went to the house the next day they lit the fireplace and candles whatever they could find. When the witch got home everyone was hiding except for Hansel who had stupidly gone into the kitchen to go smoke. He used the oven to light it and then left the door open. The witch got home he smelled the smoke and ran to the kitchen. The Witch screamed “What are you doing here?”
Hansel panicked and tried to run, but he was caught by the witch. Gretel sees what is happening, so she runs up and shoves the witch into the oven. She yells for her father and Lucinda to come in and help lock the door so they all sit in front of the oven door.
The witch was finally dead and Hansel and Gretel could live at home where they belong. They ended up finding the gold of the witch and they never had to go a day without food again. Hansel and Gretel’s father never had to work again and Lucinda and he got married. They all lived happily ever after.

Matt Robbins
English 103
12-07-11
Fairytale Review
The assignment that I had to most fun writing was the fairytale. It was the most fun to write because I was able to make a regular fairytale like Hansel & Gretel and make it into something that was completely my own. The purpose of writing it was to open us up to make something that we know is a certain way into something that is completely different. What is more different from a fairytale than a gross out comedy. It was difficult at first trying to figure out what to do so that I could actually make it what I saw in my head. I put a lot of time to watch some gross out comedies so I could write it and I am happy with what I came out with. I thought the paper deserved an A because it was well thought out and I stuck to the main idea of of a gross out comedy and it was pretty good.

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Matt Robbins
English 103
12-7-11
Visual Analysis
Mother Fucker, how would you feel if you heard that where you worked. The commercial I chose was the swear jar commercial for Bud Light. It is a very funny commercial which takes place in a company office. None of the people’s reactions are different from what you would see in everyday life. It also keeps it main point and never shy’s away from it. Every time someone swears in the office they have to put money in the swear jar.
One man asks “who gets to keep the money?”
The woman replies “I don’t know, I guess we will use it to buy Bud Light for the office or something.”
As soon as she says that the man says “Fucking awesome.”, and then he walks away and swears at other people.
Everyone gets in on it and soon the entire staff is swearing and because they want to have a party with Bud Lite. The genius of the commercial is everyone acts like this is perfectly normal. It is real conversations that you would have with people at work and everyone keeps a straight face throughout the commercial. As you can see it the picture the man looks like he would if he actually had to put money in a swear jar and does not smile even though he swore on purpose. Bud Lite target audience for this was mainly men and people who enjoy comedy. Because the commercial takes place in an office many people can relate them to their everyday lives. They greatest thing a company can achieve is relating their product to the average person which they do extremely well. If they make something funny and put it in an environment where many people work, then you can efficiently sell your product.
In this scene the woman asks if she can borrow the man’s pen. By this point in time everyone has already has put there portion into the swear jar. The man gives a sigh as if as if she did not say please, but it was because she did not swear, so money would not go into the swear jar. He keeps going on with his work waiting for her to ask in the correct way.
Then she says “Can I borrow your fucking pen.”
The man then replies “You can borrow my fucking pen.”
He nods his head and gives her the pen. This shows how important it is to have Bud lite in the office. If the office is not in this we would not be able to relate to this and it would lose its effect over us.
This shows how much they want to get Bud Lite for the office. The people wanting the Bud Lite in the commercial can correspond with us wanting to have the same thing. They are attempting to sell the product to us as if we were those people. It is effective because you could imagine yourself asking someone if you can use their fucking pen or say fuck you to a colleague in the hallway.
This is basically out of a scene from a movie and it’s the boss giving a motivational speech to his employees. He is trying to get them pumped up and ready to go like any other boss, but instead of the normal pep talk he begins to start swearing. He swears twelve times in about 10 seconds. You also see one of the men giving his bosses ideas a fist pump. Normally that would be for his great ideas and people being really happy. Instead this it was because he swore so many times that he had to put a ton of money into the swear jar.
This is a great idea because everyone wants that boss that can push people and everyone wish’s they had him. They also make him swear a ton for the good of the company moral while giving a speech which makes him extremely likeable.
The boss says “We are gonna go down there and were gonna f*** some a**, were gonna f*** some a**, were gonna s*** ********** ****, were gonna s*** some d***.”
How many people can actually picture someone saying all of this like it is completely normal, yet he has everyone listening to every word he says. The things he says are completely outlandish and you would never hear them in real life, but that goes back to targeting people. They are having a conference and they are putting something that would never happen in it to keep us interested. It targets their demographic of men very well. What man doesn’t always dream of the pep talk of a lifetime and what he says adds even more to that idea. While the add targets men who enjoy laughing it’s not as much for women.
The one thing that the commercial does not necessarily appeal to is women. I don’t know many women who will swear for beer and they only use two women in the commercial. Every time of the women talks she does not say a swear word and it frustrates everyone else. It is always a man who corrects her to make sure that she corrects herself and swears. Most commercial like this tend not to appeal to women and it’s because some men tend to find it funny or they don’t really pay attention to it. It is a sly way of promoting a product to people. None the less this commercial has more woman participation than the normal beer ads do and it helps add to the dynamic of the ad.
This scene is the second time we see this woman. She was the one who asked for the pen and now she is trying to print some copies and the machine is not working.
Instead of swearing just like last time she says “poop.”
The man leans out of his cubicle and says “that doesn’t count.”
She turns quickly and yells “Shut the fuck up!”
She gets really mad people keep making sure she is saying swears, so they have more money in the jar and buy Bud Light. The commercial always goes back to the main idea of buying Bud Light for the office party. Once again they also use the woman who is the one who does not follow what everyone wants. She gets really mad and yells at the guy whom you don’t expect and it makes us crack up laughing. Bud Light does a great job on making us laugh and making a creative way of showing their product while keeping the main focus on what they are trying to sell.
The boss plays a huge role in the commercial because he participates in the swear jar more than anyone else we see. He is very instrumental because he shows how much they all care about Bud Light. They make him so much more interesting than the normal boss it makes you wish you could have a boss like that. By making you want a boss like that it makes you more interested in the commercial.
This scene is the end of the commercial and they got so much money in the swear jar that they were able to have the party. The boss breaks down into tears because he is happy with the outcome. This again appeals to men because of the pep talk aspect that a coach would give a person after a game. The only difference is he still continued to swear a lot unlike a normal coach would do. This continues the overall theme of the swear jar and continuing because Bud Light is so good.
The boss says “I am so proud of you sucker mother fuckers. Here, here.” Then everyone raises there bottles of Bud light in the air.
This is very important because it gives one more good look at the product. It also shows how everyone is happy to be there and drinking Bud Light.
Just as one final addition to the commercial an employee calls his boss an “asshole.” Then everyone looks at him.
The commercial was very funny and unique in how they target there audience. They did many things to increase the way that people see their product. All in all they did a very good job in of making people remember the commercial once they are done watching and that is what it is all about.

Matt Robbins
English 103
12-07-11
Visual Analysis Review
The paper that was the most interesting to write was the commercial analysis. I have never done anything like that before and it was kind of fun, but it took a lot of thinking to get it done. The purpose of writing it was to see if we could look at something and try and figure out who the product was being sold to and how they sold it. This took a lot of patience and I had to look at all of the details to decide what and how they sold the product. I chose to do the swear jar commercial for bud light because it is very specific to how they sell it. It took a lot of time to do it and there was a lot to think about that you won’t normally pay attention to. I liked how it turned out pretty good with what I was given.

Matt Robbins

Z1645582

Eng 103

Ms. McCord

ENGL 103 WRITING PORTFOLIO

            In our English 103 class we were able to write more about personal experiences and had the freedom to write what we wanted to.  This is the kind of writing that I enjoy doing because we can interoperate the story how we want and this makes writings more interesting and more enjoyable to read.  I also used a blog where we put assignments and anything else that we wanted to.  This opened us up to a new style of writing that most of the class had not done before.  All in all the writings and experiences for the class were unlike any English class I have taken before in high school.

One thing we focused on a lot was audience and how you can write papers for a certain group of people.  This gave me a new perspective of writing because I never think about the people I am writing for.  Most of the papers that I wrote had to do with a certain audience.  For our fairytale I did a gross out comedy version of Hansel & Gretel, then we did two essays that were all about stereotypes, and then we had to analyze a commercial and we had to tell who the commercials target audience is.  The genres of work we did are very interesting because they are not the type of things you will read about every day.  The Hansel & Gretel was probably the most obvious one of these because we had to turn a normal fairytale into something else.  When changing it to a gross out comedy I found the challenge of putting the old story in with my new version.  It challenged me as a writer to step out of my comfort zone and run with a story in a new way and make it our own.

One of the things I have never liked to do in writing is prewriting.  As a writer I have felt as though it has never helped me.  When I start writing a paper I just want to dive into it and get started.  To me getting started on a paper immediately helps with having creative ideas flowing through your paper and you are not worrying where you can plug all of your ideas into the paper.  To me pre-writing is a waste of time as long as you are creative and can have ideas running in your head while writing.  As a writer outside of the classroom I don’t want to do anything big and I can’t see myself writing an important story, but I can see myself  as a story teller.  Telling stories is in my mind the most powerful form of writing because it’s the one thing that most people can do and most will remember.  How many people can remember being with their family and hearing all of their stories from the past and you can remember them to this day?  That is why I believe story telling is so powerful.

While writing this semester I was able to write papers that were more to my interest and ideas.  I love to write things that are funny, weird and telling stories of my life.  In my papers I was able to take my ideas and write them down in a way that I am not usually able to in a regular English or writing class.  In the Hansel & Gretel paper I was able to take an old story and turn it into something completely different.  I made it funny and interesting and tried to make it something that you are not used to hearing.  I also got to write a paper about one of my favorite commercial which is the bud light swear jar.  In it an office swears to raise money for a party with bud light.  Writing about this was unlike anything I have done before which made it a lot of fun.  I love watching gross out comedies so when we given the option to make our story a gross out comedy I jumped on the idea.  Writing about something that is fun to you makes for more entertaining writing.  When I am excited about what I am writing then that will come through in my paper, so the person reading it will be more sucked in.

All in all this class was unlike any English class I have ever had.  I had many new experiences with writing some good and some bad.  I enjoyed the writings and I hope that I can have somewhat of the same format for another class later on in my school career because it was very interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gl83mI69nX4&feature=BFa&list=PL5EE5DA7168C29AD5&lf=mh_lolz

This song is very mellow and you can just get lost in the song when listening to it.  Its all about just going out and doing what we want to do.  Never let anyone hold you down and just have fun.

This blog post is on the movie Happy Gilmore and its structural elements.  The exposition of the of the movie we learn about him and his grandma.  Happy has always dreamed of being a hockey player, but he is not that good  he can just hit the puck hard. Happy’s grandmas house was taken in foreclosure.  He grew up in this house so he wants to keep it.  The crisis of the movie is happy has to find a way to get enough money to buy the house.  The rising action is when movers were moving out grandma’s stuff they challenged happy to hit a golf ball as far as he could.  He ended up winning forty dollars from the movers and thought that  might be a good way to earn money.  While at a driving range he meets an old golf pro named chubs. He wants happy to join the PGA tour and it would earn him a lot of money.  He gets on the tour and develops a rivalry between a man named Shooter McGavin. When Happy finally has enough money to buy the house back it gets auctioned off and Shooter is the one who buys it.  The climax is when they bet the house on who will win the next major.  Long story short Shooter pays a man to hit happy with a car and Happy is forced to play with a bum shoulder.  Luckily for him Shooter and him are tied and go into a playoff where a TV tower falls down in between Happys ball and the hole. He decides to hit it and the ball almost likes a obstacle course rolls along the tower like until it goes into the hole.  The falling action is Happy wins the major, gets the house and falls in love.  The resolution is they all live happily ever after.

I am Matt Robbins.  I am studying Elementary Education at NIU.  I love to work with kids and I hope to change their lives after they have me as a teacher.  I also want to coach football as a side job.   I played offensive and defensive line at high school and I went all conference. I am planning on walking on to the football team in February.

I have come to NIU with a core group of friends and we hang out almost everyday.  We like to consider ourselves comedians and most people think we are funny. Comedy is really important to me because I have always believed that you have to make yourself laugh and keep people around us laughing.  One quote i have always used is the world is a place full of glasses of water and you need to fill up everyone else’s but you always have to keep your pitcher full so you have to make yourself happy and then make sure everyone else is.

Sports is also a huge thing to me.  I have been in sports my whole life whether it was football, soccer, volley, basketball, track. You name it i have tried it all.  This is the first time in a long time that i am not in some sort of organized sport but I am going to change that as soon as I can.  I am planning on trying to walk on to the football team so i have been keeping myself in shape for that. Hopefully you will be seeing me on the fields saturdays.

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